SMASH HITS, 23 MARCH 1988

Stock Aitken & Waterman's guide to writing gigantic hit singles that make you extremely rich, famous and popular ...

Matt Aitken: "Fall in love a few times."

Pete: "Have a few heartaches."

Matt: "Get kicked around a bit."

Mike Stock: "I don't know about that. The Beatles must have gone through an awful lot of experiences in that case. Like, Shakespheare wrote about death but he didn't have to die to do it."

Pete: "Watch soap operas - that's what Lamont Dozier (famous songwriter type who co-wrote lots of Motown hits and has recently written songs with Mick Hucknall and Boy George) does."

Matt: "It's important to pick up phrases that people say."

Mike: "Then, if you're writing a song and you have an idea, you should be singleminded and direct about what you're doing. Nobody will follow you unless you keep to the point. Say the song title is 'Blue Eyes' ... then you've got to write a whole song about how blue the eyes are - blue, royal blue, navy blue, sky blue, blue blue blue blue blue BLUE! That's your point - just think of the best phrases to describe it. If you start mentioning her blonde hair and then whether she votes Labour or not you've lost people, immediately. If you've got a good idea you should home in on it. The best painters in the world like Van Gogh, he just painted things like that wicker chair, that little pipe resting on the table."

Matt: "He probably had seagulls floating around the back originally but he had to get rid of them because they were distracting people's attention."

Mike: "None of this is any good anyway unless you've got any ability. As for the tune, if you've got the talent you'll put a good tune in naturally - you won't want to sing something that's not a good tune."

Matt: "Also, like a painting, it's important to have a focus of attention. If you're painting a guy it's no good if the guy's too small and the building too big. Likewise with a song the most important part is the chorus - it has to be more important than the rest."

Mike: "The best advice I'd give is what I did when I was very young - play songs to your brother or sister or friends and accept their comments even though you don't believe them. And never ever give up. You should write 500 songs a year."

Pete: "Lots of people come up to me and say 'will you listen to this song?' and it's dreadful and I say 'it's dreadful' and they never come back to you again because they don't really believe in themselves. The ones that do, they come back to you again and again and again. The others don't try hard enough. The Robert The Bruce story is the one ..."

Matt (puzzled): "Robert Bruce the bass player?"

Mike (annoyed): "No. Jack Spider. ??? Robert The Bruce who sat in the cave and watched the spider climbing up a thread which taught him the lesson to try, try and try again ..."

Matt: "I thought the spider fell on his head and discovered gravity."

Pete: "No, that was Isaac Spider and (Bitz thinks Bitz'll leave it there, if it's all the same to you, gentlemen).