Reproduced from Punch Winter Special, 1989

Pete Waterman, who claims to have been responsible for as many hits as Georges Simenon claimed to have had lovers, is the flamboyant upfront man. He uses his other outlets - the tv disco show 'The Hitman and Her,' his radio city show-to discover innocents he can mould into pop stars. The other two - Mike Stock and Matt Aitken - work in the background, with their fingers on the knobs, setting the drum machine and synthesizing Samantha Fox's voice so it can be listened to.

There are two kinds of SAW artist: the wannabee and the already-is. Bananarama had been famous for years before the team transformed them overnight from being merely appalling to being compulsively terrible. More recently, Cliff Richard and Donna Summer have risked the credibility of a collective 50 years in the biz in return for guaranteed hits and spondulicks. Even Kylie had already recorded her scandalous version of "The Locomotion" when SAW turned up waving a contract.

It is the nonentities who are more interesting. The SAW method is not dissimilar to that of religious sects: preying on the drifters, the downcasts in our society, the vulnerable teenagers with nowhere to go, nothing to do. "How would you like to be a pop star?" they might intone in some dark and shady nightclub. "I dunno," one might reply. "Why?" and he or she (usually she) is told why, and recruited to the cause, and soon her personality (what there was of it) has been replaced by something else: an image. All of her real self is hidden. She hears herself, but cannot recognize her own voice (it's called technology).

She merges into others within the fold, but is discouraged from asking herself, "Who am I? Sabrina or Sinitta? Or is it Sonia?" When she goes out into the world, when she talks to people, she tries to pretend that it's really all her own idea, that she's in control of her life. But the sad fact is that if she managed to break free, she would find herself dependent: unable to cope with a life without Stock Aitken Waterman, without hits, without all that money.

Any study of SAW songs reveal a rather unhealthly obsession with a usually hidden part of the human anatomy. They hold a unique record as the only writers to have had six top 20 hits ending with the word "heart". Ready?

• Take Me To Your Heart
• Love's About To Change My Heart
• Too Many Broken Hearts
• I Just Don't Have The Heart
• Hand On Your Heart
• Cross My Broken Heart

Words are used as a means of giving the vocal instrument (elsewhere called a singer) a recognizable sound to make. The theme of a song is usually expressed in the title, and the rest is just waffle waiting to get to the chorus, which is the only charitable explanation for the following:

If they ever get you down
There's always something I can do
Because I wouldn't ever want to see you frown

When I see you on the street
You stare down at your feet

Never thought the sky was so blue
Never thought I'd feel so new

They commit enough cardinal sins to fill several chapters of "don't's" in a songwriting manual. But it simply doesn't matter. Nor does it matter that Sonia sang her number one "You'll Never Stop Me From Loving You", a tragic song about undying love for her man, as if she'd just won the pools. Because she had. Kylie can declare her undying love for her man without anyone's emotions (least of all hers) being involved. Stock Aitken Waterman, quite literally, have nothing to say, and they're quite proud of it.

They have enough modesty to realise that they don't write all the best songs, and an increasing number of their productions are cover versions. In the end, however, its irrelevant whether the hit is an original or a cover. If their artists are controlled autocratically, the songs attain a kind of democracy: they are all treated in the same way. It's a depressing thought that there is no song in the great rock 'n' roll canon that can't end up sounding like a Stock Aitken Waterman record.

1) How do I start?

First you decide what the song is going to be about: love or dancing. Or both. Don't be over-ambitious: a three-minute pop song about kierkegaard's theory of a "leap by faith" may provide a good title but is not commercial.

2) Yes, and what then?

Think of a title that encapsulates the thrust of your idea in as few words as possible, say three.

3) What do you mean, key words?

Any study of SAW swiftly reveals their lyrics to be based round the following key words: love, heart, change, you, I, your, my, arms, down, mind, true, way, know, alone, kiss, break, hurt, miss(ing), through, take, together, forever, need, fun, feel(ing), world, goodbye, say, and heart (again).

4) What about rhymes?

Keep them as simple as possible. If you can, use the above words, eg way/say, through/you, take/break, and together/forever.

5) What if I don't play any musical instruments?

Fine. The ability to play an instrument isn't that much of a setback. Computer programming skills, however, are virtually obligatory.

6) What about the rhyme?

Keep it as simple as possible. Use a straight 4/4 beat-for every song.

7) What about the tune?

Start with the title. Say one word in a higher or lower voice. Move on to another word and then another. Finally, string all the differently pitched words back in order. This is the tune.

8) Shouldn't the process be more complicated?

Simplicity is everything here. The verse is essentially the chorus without the hook. It serves two purposes: it sets up an unbearable tension so that the listener can't wait for the chorus to start; and it makes the chorus seem good by comparison. Combine your chorus and verse over the 4/4 beat. This is the song.